Habitual readers of this blog will know that I don’t generally write about men. However, my lovely girlfriend directed my attention to an article in today’s paper, and I was so filled with sympathy* for their plight that I had to make an exception.
“The National Center for Men has prepared a lawsuit–nicknamed Roe v. Wade for Men–to be filed today in U.S. District Court in Michigan on behalf of a 25-year-old computer programmer ordered to pay child support for his ex-girlfriend’s daughter. The suit addresses the issue of male reproductive rights, contending that lack of such rights violates the U.S. Constitution’s equal protection clause…
‘There’s such a spectrum of choice that women have–it’s her body, her pregnancy and she has the ultimate right to make decisions,’ said Mel Feit, director of the men’s center. ‘I’m trying to find a way for a man also to have some say over decisions that affect his life profoundly.'”
Where can I begin? While I must have blinked during the one nanosecond after the gavel banged on the Roe v. Wade decision when women had the ultimate right to make decisions about our bodies–given Target pharmacists’ refusal to fill birth control prescriptions, the FDA ban on medical abortions, lack of federal funding for abortions for poor women, lack of abortion coverage in health insurance for military and government employees, bombing of abortion clinics by right-wing nutjobs, stalking, harrassment and murder of abortion providers, parental consent laws in forward-thinking places like Texas, outright bans in places like South Dakota and Tennessee, oh, and that little thing called rape–this poor man’s dreadful situation got me so choked up I can’t think what to say exactly. But then, I ruminated seriously about men’s reproductive choice for a whole 10 seconds, and I came up with some suggestions for helping these poor guys control their fertility.
1) The Condom. This is a fairly obscure device, having been invented just a moment ago in 1000 BCE, all the way over in Egypt, so it’s no wonder so many guys haven’t heard of it. It’s a tidy little thing, made of rubber, synthetic, or sheep gut, that slips right over the johnson and keeps those pesky baby-seeds from escaping. Ask the pharmacist, she’ll point them out to you. Course, it isn’t foolproof; these “french preventatives” can break or fall off up to 13% of the time, so if you’re not willing to take any chance of becoming a dad, read on.
2) The Vasectomy. Now again, this is an obscure option, since it’s only been popularly available for about a hundred years or so. But yet, it’s such a simple procedure, performed in a doctor’s office, requiring only a couple of hours, a local anesthetic, and a tiny incision easily covered by a Band-Aid. After this simple procedure and a brief waiting period, those mischevious spermatozoa are confined to the testes, where they belong, instead of disseminating themselves all over the place causing problems. And best of all, if you ever change your mind and decide to step up to the plate of fatherhood, it’s reversible! But if you’re afraid of needles or something, I’m happy to report that you have still more choices.
3) Homosexuality. As much as some women like to theorize about parthenogenesis, no one has ever claimed that one guy could get another guy pregnant. So go to it! But if the thought of another guy’s hairy backside doesn’t do it for you, wait, there’s still more!
4) Abstinence, aka Keeping It In Your Pants. I’m not really sure how men haven’t heard of this option, since it’s really as old as time, and it’s in the media a lot these days. I guess because it’s mostly presented as something women ought to concern themselves about, men, with their typical inability to generalize from others’ experience, haven’t been able to see the benefits of this reproductive choice for themselves. But I’m here to tell you, as a lesbian, I know for a fact that intercourse is completely unnecessary to loving sexual happiness. What could be better, if you don’t want the responsibilities of parenthood, than risk-free manual or oral sexual satisfaction? With abstinence, men like this poor guy in Michigan don’t have to rely on the fact that his girlfriend “knew he didn’t want to have a child with her and assured him repeatedly that–because of a physical condition–she could not get pregnant.”
Men! Finally, after so many millenia of unjust persecution and forced responsibility for children, the power to control your fertility is in your hands.
I’m sure the
assholes concerned citizens over at www dot nationalcenterformen dot org will be so grateful for this treatise. Just think of what they’ll save in legal fees and court costs! They can put that money into reproducing this educational material and getting it into the hands of every man, perhaps even launching a media campaign to raise men’s apparently pathetically low awareness of their reproductive options. It’s a shame I can’t link to them for fear of all the shameless hussies who might come over here and spam me for foiling their diabolical plots to trap these poor men into paying for their babies.
* Or something.